two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
