Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
