i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
