I saw his package. It spoke to me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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