I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
