I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
