Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
