Please, let me fuck your mom
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
