Duck Duck Cougar?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
