I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
