Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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