My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
