i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
you inspire me to be a worse person
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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