Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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