You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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