like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
