I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
