just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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