You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
