The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
