Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
