dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
