I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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