lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
