If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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