im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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