and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
