Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
