I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
