omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
did i walk over a car last night?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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