I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
