Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
