I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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