sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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