You kept calling me your small dog last night.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
