ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
