last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
