No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
