a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
are you so shy because you have an std?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
