You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
