i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just found a bag of teeth...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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