You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
What a dumb baby whore.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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