# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
