I just pynch a tree in the face
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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