i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
