Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
