so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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