My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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