sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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