you traded sex for a burrito?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
