I will die if light touches me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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