I want to stick my p in your. b.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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